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Maybe you and I do deserve to suffer for our wrongdoing. If that’s so, then it means that when things get painful, when things get difficult, we don’t have the luxury of quitting. We don’t get to end our lives to escape what we did. Whatever form the pain takes, we bear it, we endure it, we welcome it, all while we try to make this world a place where people like us, like how we used to be, have no place, and the people who would be hurt can instead live in peace. The next time you encounter an obstacle you cannot overcome, when you just want to curl up into a ball and quit on the world, remind yourself that you don’t deserve the peace of surrender. You have to keep working, to keep fighting, to keep suffering, until the day when you’ve fully repented.

We eventually pried ourselves out of bed, performing a much-needed changing of the sheets and then trooping into the bathroom together, taking care of the necessaries and enjoying a soft, playful shower. It was a little bit crowded, with all three of us in there at once, but I loved every moment of it, and we only came out again once we ran out of hot water and Mom and I had started to shiver from the cold. We dried each other off, snuggling and warming up, then climbed into bed, Mom insisting I take the middle.